IN THIS ISSUE
OLD
SH*T RECYCLED!
Idea
stolen from Chas & Dave!
French Farter joins
Natural Gas Company
Art, perversion, or the sort of thing you see on Jerry Springer? A "hands on" report by our under cover investigator Helmut Stroker
AXLE GREASE
Why be "palmed off" with inferior brands? J.Y.Kelly meets some slippery customers.
THE DONG
Far- Eastern currency explained by Dick Brandisher.
Nottinghamshire entrepeneur and dolphin flogger Ivor Biggun today announced a release of large amounts of sh*t into the enviroment. "It worked for Roger Whittaker, it might just work for me!" claimed the blistered-palmed ukelele basher as eyewitnesses leapt to safety, avoiding a torrent of crap flooding out of nearby loudspeakers. "I didn't think it was worth a toss" said strangely unidextrous Ivor, "But the record company said that if John Innes potting compost could make a profit, Ivor Biggun records could make an even bigger one, having a greater concentration of sh*t per cubic metre"
Reporter: Norris McSquirter
Reporter: Giscard Destench
"Hide The Sausage" hits Ibiza!
by our showbiz reporter: Jarvis Cock
All-comer's championship.
"In the old days I took loads of E, cocaine, night nurse and stuff" said Tyrone Whelk of Grimsby (17), "But now I'm clean and loving it. Everything's banging, man! All I need is a swift burst of 'Hide The Sausage''. And sixteen pints of Carlsberg."
Retired cock-rock superstar Ivor Biggun, amazed to see his old platter resurrected, says "I can't really understand it. Mind you, I can't understand 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks' either."
Yesterday saw the
first W&nker's Olympics held under Marquis of Queensbury rules. The
mighty Gherkinjerkin arena in coulourful Bromsgrove echoed to the cheers
of an ecstatic crowd and to the grunts of the worlds greatest w&aners,
most of whom were daytime television presenters or people who use mobile
phones in restaurants.
Russian bishop-basher Ivan Ellavanardon gained an early lead with a backwards
wrist-flick and triple helmet tremble, but was soon outclassed by Turkish
member manipulator Mustapha Wackoff's two handed python pummel.
Yorkshireman Norm Uss-Plonker paid a visit to the sperm bank. Unfortunately he missed the tube so came by bus. Finally, first prize (a mammoth pack of paper hankies) went to the renowned Japanese w&nker, Tutchi Koki Spurti Outi.
Reporter: Norris McSquirter
Ivor releases his 'Fruity Bits'
Unconfirmed reports
here (North East of Whitstable) claim that John Thomas Allcock (43) of
Long Benton has found his missing father.
Allcock, feted in a song by popular ferret strangler Ivor Biggun, spotted
a man in a Gents urinal, performing an over-the-shoulder casual back-slash.
"It was the birthmark that gave him away", says Allcock Jr.,
"And the way he was standing on the end of it".
Reporter: Belle Ende
The World Wide W&nker has reissued sixteen of his glorious anthems on a spanking new CD entitled "The fruity bits of Ivor Biggun"
. This essential guide to health and efficiency can be purchased in stores from 14 August or right now from amazon.co.uk (or click on the icon above).
Available with four different covers!
